You've got to be joking

You've got to be joking

I am not feeling well,  Man Flu…the worst disease known, I will probably be dead by tomorrow and no one will care. Everyone keeps telling me to get up and get on with it. Those are heartless people I live with, unlike you dear reader who I am sure sympathizes with me.

Anyway I am feeling miserable but instead of wallowing in my snot filled hell I have decided to do something about it. After much searching of the net and my memory, here are some of the very best biker jokes I can find to cheer myself, and you, up

****Disclaimer, due to my medical condition my sense of humor may have been affected ****

Here we go

I love my bike, it is great for queue jumping….but it doesn’t frighten the shit out of the people in the supermarket!

or

A biker is stranded on a desert island for ten years.  Staring out to sea one day he is surprised to see a beautiful blonde rising up out of the sea dressed in a figure hugging wetsuit that leaves little to the imagination.  The biker hurries to greet her, sits her down and  shares what little food he has.  She reaches down to a water tight pocket at her waist pulls out a packet of cigarettes and offers one to the biker saying “ how long is it since you had a smoke?”

“Ten long years” replies the biker.

“oh, how long since you had a drink of whisky then?” she says as she reaches into a bag around her shoulders.

“wow, great” says the man as he takes o slug on the bottle she offers.

Looking him in the eye she starts to unzip the front of the wetsuit…

“How long since you have had any real fun then?”

To which the biker replies, “Bloody Hell, you haven’t got a motorcycle in there have you?”

 

 

And

One summer’s evening, Ratso, Loggy and Crow are riding back home from the pub, all three of them are on Crow’s bike.

Ten minutes into the ride they get stopped by some traffic police who say to them, “You’re only meant to have two people on your bike and there are three of you. One of you will have to get off and walk.”

“Three of us?” says Crow, “what happened to Tim and Charlie?”

(this one has actually happened to me and this is the response my mate gave to the policeman…he got nicked!)

Then there is

The wind was so strong last night I found it really hard to light my cigarette.

After 20 minutes of trying, I gave up and decided to pull the bike over to the hard shoulder!  

 

 

And we must not forget

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."

So the guy says, "On time I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this girl. So I pulled over, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a chain running from his nose to his ear.

Things got a bit heated so I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and brandishing my tire iron, and yelled at the rest of them, 'You leave this lass alone or you’ll all get some of that!”

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

 

Now all that needs to be said is....

Stay safe

Ratso (cough , cough,  sneeze …oh my god I am dying!)

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